Transformation Metamorphosis

I suppose I had no intention of adhering to a regular schedule or extending the length of my blogs. Trust me, I tried. Life just got in the way. Or maybe I just wanted to sound cool. And the real reason was that I was lazy. 

I entrust the discerning reader with the responsibility of formulating an informed judgment concerning my conspicuous absence.

One thing is clear, though: I miss writing. I find myself stumbling upon hilarious metaphors and highly captivating blog ideas while doing my dailies. If only I had the brains to note them down so that when I actually sit down to write, I would not squander time jotting down superfluous content merely to extend the length of my posts.

I want to talk about change today – not the kind you stumble for in your wallet, but the kind that makes everyone scared. 

Why is change so scary? Maybe because life is going pretty well and the thought of it changing is inconceivable. It sure is a daunting prospect for many people. It can bring about a sense of uncertainty, a fear of the unknown, and a loss of control over one’s life, yada-yada. 

And now, it’s time for the phrase that, ironically, hasn’t changed –

Change is inevitable. 

It’s now been more than two years since I graduated college. I have a great job, I’m drowning in chicks, and have a killer bod. Also, one of the things I just mentioned is a lie. The point I’m trying to convey is that I’m doing okay.

But Alas. I can already foresee an array of changes headed my way.

Firstly, I’ll probably be changing cities after I switch my job. I love my job, but I’ve grown too comfortable, losing my competitive edge. I used to be hungry for knowledge. Now, the lifestyle of downing shots every Friday with a group of diverse colleagues that could rival a Netflix cast has me hooked. (sidebar: writing idea – Types of People at the Office. I wish I had something to write this down. Where’s my pen when I need it?) Navigating the office jungle in your 20s feels like college on steroids, where your wallet has more muscle, your party companions are more like friendly strangers, and instead of dreading presentations, you’re getting paid for them. Apart from that, it’s a near carbon copy – the same rigid weekday routine, a handful of unbearable folks badgering you to be more productive, and all the delightful extras like relationships, secret affairs, and the whole shebang.

Did I get sidetracked? God, I have so much to tell all of you. What were we talking about again? Things that we give to street performers and put in parking meters?

Yep, that’s a prime example of callback comedy. And no, I’m not taking writing classes. Why do you ask?

Coming back, a dreaded feeling is setting in that things are about to change in my life again. And that got me thinking: it’s such a common ailment; surely we must have figured out a cure by now. But no, all you get are motivational YouTube videos and the same old lame-ass folk wisdom. 

“Hey, man it’s totally fine that you have to move to a new city leaving all your friends and family here. Change is good. You will finally peak in life”

Dude, stop. Change is horrible. It’s equivalent to being stranded in the ocean. At night. During a thunderstorm. 

One of the things that makes change scary is nostalgia. Yeah, that crazy bastard. Nostalgia is the polarized sunglasses to your past that block all the hideous memories. And why is that? Because our brain is biased to remember more happy stuff than the sad, old, mundane routine.

Speaking of routine, it’s another culprit that makes you want the have things stay the way they are. Routine is comfort. Waking up and watching reels, half of which make you angry, the other half make you sad. 

How do reels achieve that? Because there are broadly two kinds of them –

1. Made by someone not from your generation. Supposedly you’re a millennial. A reel pops up in your feed in which a curly-haired brat in oversized clothing and the same old Nike sneakers which everyone seems to be wearing is doing some weird shit. You cringe at the reel and wonder if you had as much of a punchable face. Or if you’re a Gen-Z, you probably cringe at the millennial making jokes about their depression or for the thousandth time complaining about rising real estate prices. Dude, just go work already. We know housing is expensive. Everyone is selling their kidneys to own a place. Get with the times. Also, don’t even get me started with the boomers. Which one of you geniuses taught them how to record on a phone? 
2. The second kind of reel is made by someone from your generation. That only makes you sad. Why? because the dude is getting paid mad money for making mediocre content for being hyped at some mediocre shit. And the first thing you get to see in the morning is their shocked expression thumbnail. (I GAVE 100 BUCKS TO A RANDOM STRANGER AND TOLD THEM NOT TO TELL THEIR MOM!) (I ASKED THIS RANDOM CHICK IF SHE KNEW HOW BABIES ARE MADE). Ugh.

The reeling culture is faker than a 1 dollar bill with a picture of a unicorn on it. Each and every reel is trying to copy each other. They follow the same basic pattern – 

1. Make a bold statement or a controversial claim.
2. Say, “Okay, hear me out”
3. Spew some unresearched buillshit. 
4. Put on some unrelated background music.
5. ???
6. Profit.

Example – 

1. “You Need to STOP eating consuming these 10 things”
2. “Okay, hear me out”
3. Cue Eminem’s Superman
4. “Sugar – Research suggests that up to a hundred (YES, A HUNDRED) percent of people who have eaten sugar at least once in the recent past have DIED or will DIE soon.”
5. …

… You get the point

And bam! You get trapped like fish in a barrel. Storming off to the comment section to refute their claims if they don’t align with your beliefs, or if they are speaking your language, praising them like they are your lord and saviour. 

Don’t believe me? Go watch 10 reels and tell me they don’t all fit this pattern. (sidebar: If any instagram developer is reading this, please for the love of god tell me how the algorithm works and how to manipulate it. I watched one dude speaking about bodybuilding, and now it’s getting a little tiring trying to explain people why my whole feed is filled with dudes in extra tight underwears flexing their ass. Please. I dont wanna see guys touching each other’s pecs telling them how hard they feel. I just wanna watch curly haired brats doing dumb shit.)  

I sound like a sour old person hating on the latest (well, not exactly latest) trends. “Back in my day we used to count tiles on the bathroom floor while dropping a deuce, not reeling around watching a 30 second video telling me how honey is the cure for all diseases”. 

Okay. I might be addicted to them as well. 

Where were we? Change? Do I have ADHD?

There’s a reason why we prefer re-watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S over watching trying out a new 10 season show – we know what’s gonna come. It’s bearable, mildly funny and we know who’s gonna sleep with whom. Complete opposite of change, where you don’t know whats coming. The new sitcom could be the Joey of sitcoms – hard to get through and wishing you could have your 10 hours back. Or it could be the HIMYM of sitcoms – better than F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (they all hated jesus because he spoke the truth) 

Point is, its good for you. Trying out new things. And i don’t mean sitcoms; they were just a metaphor. 

Stay tuned for Pt. 2. 

And, as always, my inbox is open. 

Nothing Really Matters

Now before you say to yourself, “Oh great, so it’ll be that kind of post”, hear me out.
I see too many people fretting over the most insignificant things, things that don’t even matter in the shortest run, let alone the long run. This constant worrying adds up exponentially, and suddenly we have over 800 million individuals suffering from mental health disorders. A study from WHO points out that suicide is the second leading cause of death in 15-29-year-olds (the leading cause being accidents for the curious).
Now that is a shocking statistic. We live in the 21st century; 75 years have passed since the last world war, so why are things taking a turn for the worst? It’s hard to point out a concrete reason. We can only speculate.
If I were to guess, I’d say that it’s because we worry too much about insignificant things. We live in a world where mediocrity is looked down upon. Money runs our world. I’ve seen too many people treating others as if they are beneath them just because they can’t live as flamboyantly as them. I’ve seen too many people making life miserable for janitors and the like just because they messed up the slightest thing. I’ve seen too many people arguing with each other on online forums, people who will never even meet. I’ve seen too many people hating each other just because they were born someplace else. I’ve seen too many people missing out on life just because they care too much about other people’s opinions. I’ve seen too many people feeling inadequate after comparing themselves with others. Life is not about comparing the greenness of grass on every side around you- life is about mowing your own lawn and making the grass as green as you’d like. Life is about finding joy in the little things. Some of the best things in the world are royalty-free – the sound of rain tapping away on a window while you are laying in bed with a book in one hand and a hot cup of coffee in another, or sleeping in on a Sunday with your phone turned off after an exceptionally difficult week, or the feeling you get when your dog jumps at you and wags its tail uncontrollably after it sees you at the end of the day, or the sound of waves crashing into the sea while you are taking a walk barefoot in the sand, at an empty beach.
I guess some things really do matter.
However, sometimes there will be days when you’ll think it can’t get any worse. Those days may even turn into weeks, months, or even years, but when it’s all said and done, you’ll look back and realize that those excruciating situations made you what you are today.
Before you let your emotions take over in any situation, ask yourself, does it really matter? I guarantee you ninety-nine percent of the time it does not. Life is too short to fixate on trivial things. Think about it this way- when you have a problem, either it can be solved or it can’t. If it can’t, worrying will achieve nothing. Otherwise, if it can, then why would you even worry? If overthinking fixed even the tiniest of problems, people would sit on a pedestal all day with their chin resting on one fist. Find out that one thing which makes you feel good and obsess on that instead. Nobody’s opinion count after that.
So I guess it was that kind of post after all. Oh well.

In the words of Doris Day,
Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be.

How to Earn Millions of Bucks Online Fast!!! [WORKING 100%] [FOOLPROOF]

How many times have you wondered if you could be a millionaire? (For those of you who are already millionaires, I have a FOOLPROOF method on becoming a billionaire, although it requires a significant contribution of $$$ on your part. Please reach out to me as soon as possible if you want to proceed). I suppose at some point in your life, every one of us has. Driving luxurious cars, throwing away clothes after wearing them once, buying a large tub of popcorn at a cinema, living like rockstars (maybe except snorting coke like them, totally your choice though). Today we’ll be talking about how you can fulfill your dreams while doing nothing at all!

The first method is Writing Blog Posts About How to Make Money Online Fast. It is such a sure-shot way of cashing some big bucks that I’m surprised that nobody else has done it yet-  

It looks like it has been done quite a bit. No wonder there are so many millionaires around. Okay so you might have some competition but it won’t matter in the end, because there are too many people looking for quick and dirty hacks to make money. People are lazy.

It’s the inherent nature of man to be lazy, though. Humanity is always finding ways to do as little work as possible. A long time ago, when we were categorized as hunter-gatherers, we used to walk from one place to another, either to kill something (or someone) or to grow something, which took a lot of time and energy. A few weeks pass, and some genius invents the whip. Voila- now we were breeding horses or buffalos to carry us and our baggage. But we figured that providing them with food and water was quite a bit of work, not to mention the literal loads of bullshit we had to deal with, so we found a way to make vehicles run by themselves, using some sort of fuel. We only had to turn a circle in the direction we wanted to go. But even THAT was not enough. People are spending 4 years in college, doing at least 4 years of research after that, not to mention giving up all worldly pleasures just so they can work on the upcoming self-driving cars. SELF-driving cars. Now, we just want to haul our asses inside a million-dollar vehicle and order it where to go. Looking at this trend, I won’t be surprised if in a couple of years a college dropout invents some gizmo that reads your mind and takes you wherever you are THINKING of going. Maybe even thinking will be considered too much work at some point in time. My point is – umm… what were we talk- Oh right. How to make money online, fast. 

In the online world, there is one secret ingredient that has made more money for people than you can imagine. Clickbait. Our friend google defines clickbait as – 

“ content whose main purpose is to attract attention and encourage visitors to click on a link to a particular web page.”

Well, that’s one way of putting it. I would put it as –

“Content which is so fucking stupid that to make people click on it, writing its title in such a way to MAKE people click on it, usually by making it overly exaggerated, CAPITALIZED and filled with buzz words like FOOLPROOF, SHOCKING, STORYTIME, LIFE-CHANGING, UNBELIEVABLE,WORKING 100%, OMG!! etc. The more buzz words the merrier. Extra points for exclamation marks.”

I absolutely despise people who use these cheap tricks. These people are the lowest level of scum. Anyway, to drive my point home, let’s look at the most obvious clickbait title which made a lot of money- 

I almost died in an Uber… no clickbait (LIVE FOOTAGE): STORYTIME (> 3 million views) 

Oh really? No clickbait? Then surely you MUST have ALMOST died.

I ALMOST GOT ROOFIED & SHOT (NO clickbait): STORYTIME (2.5 million views)

Umm… Is this clickbait again like the last video? Wait, it says no clickbait, and with an emphasis on the no. Surely you MUST have ALMOST got ROOFIED and SHOT.

Finding Out I’m Pregnant *Again* At 18! Teen Mom Live Pregnancy Test (2 million views)

I don’t know whether to be surprised by the pregnant at 18 part, or the bold *Again* part.

Are We Having Another BABY? *Shocking* | Jancy Family ( 1 million views)

Really Jancy? You mean getting pregnant by having all that unprotected sex is *Shocking*, even more than the first time? 

… You get the point.

Clickbait is the fuel of the internet. You could be writing prose that would put Shakespeare to shame, but if you don’t have a clickbait title, you might as well throw it in the trash and have better chances of it being read. 

In simpler terms, unless you know how to fool people, you won’t stand a chance in this day and age.

This was lesson 1 in How to Earn Millions of Bucks Online Fast, and if I were to guess, you were no more rich than you were however much time you spent reading this thing. But wait for my next article, because that’s where the real secret to make money is– How to make BILLIONS Online Fast!!! [WORKING 110%] [FOOLPROOF].

One For The Mistakes

There will always be times in your life when you do things which feel good at the moment but are actually so embarrassing that if someone else gets to know about these said things, they would die, either laughing or cringing.

The thing is, we grow from these incidents. The more mistakes you make, the more you learn. Even if you repeat the same mistake a thousand times, when you finally learn from it, you learn. That’s when you will never make it the thousand-and-oneth time.

People always say you gotta learn from other people’s mistakes. These are the people who know a lot of things that sound wise. In reality, it’s not so easy. People learn from experience, not sayings. Otherwise, the sermons that priests and motivational speakers give would actually work, which in turn would make them unemployed because no one would need to go to a sermon twice.

I would like to list some of the most recurring mistakes that need to be said –

1. Trusting any and every person life throws at you. I know it feels tempting to blurt out to that girl you’ve just met every detail about your life, and your homie’s life, but it’s just not worth it. She’ll probably find some of the things hilarious, but when suddenly everyone at your workplace finds these things hilarious, you’ll wish you were never born. See I know it’s nice when you have someone to share things with, but 99% of the time you’ll share them with the wrong person. Always be a little sceptical of new people. A little trick I use is that I try to keep quiet during the first couple of meetings with anyone. If the other person vomits every fucking detail about all the people he or she knows, its best to check your mouth twice before confiding in them.
2. Not trusting anyone: According to my intensive research, women can keep a secret for twenty-one hours and thirteen minutes, while men on the other hand for forty-four two and twenty-six minutes on an average. So unless you like confiding in a trashcan, or worse, to yourself in a mirror, try to find a couple of people who’ll guard your most embarrassing incidents as their own.
3. Taking too much advice: No matter which phase of life you’re in, you’ll be knee-deep in advice from people ranging from six-year-old kids who shit in their pants to eighty-year-old people who can’t tell Facebook from Twitter. These bits of advice will be so contradictory that you’ll end up being more confused than you were before, and the one which you think is shit might actually be worth listening. The people who give advice generally belong to two categories – one who know things from experience, and one who know it from word of mouth. There’s no way of knowing for sure when somebody enlightens you with their so-called “wisdom”. It might be the greatest piece of shit you’ll ever come across. As a rule of thumb, I steer clear of people claiming to shine their wisdom on people. Pfft.
4. Not taking any advice: Sayings exist for a reason. A proverb is basically a short sentence based on long experience. So while it is better to ignore most advice that comes your way, sometimes you might find a gold mine of experience which you should listen to for your own sake. The day when you learn how to filter shit advice from words of gold is the day you become wise.

These were some of the common mistakes that I tend to see a being repeated a little too often. I know these do not sound contradictory at all, but refer my above point – the day you learn which advice is bullshit is the day you become wise.

Peace.

Letter Up Above

As we move on to another year, I have decided to bury the hatchet and forget about the past. What I really need for that is to have some closure with the person who was always there for me. Here is a letter to him with some of the things I wish I’d told him.

Dear Grandpa,

It feels like only yesterday when we were watching the Cricket World Cup final. Your hearty laughter after Dhoni’s winning six is my best memory of you.

I’m in college now. I don’t lament over regrets, but my biggest one is that you couldn’t see me going to college, finally getting out of the house and standing on my own feet a little. I know you wanted me to join the army, but it’s just not for me.

Times are different now than back in your day. Now us youngsters don’t need to get out of the house and work for minimum wage to earn our bread. Also, I doubt anyone needs the streetlight to study in this day and age. You guys just had it hard. I often wonder if I’d been able to provide for myself If I was born back then. When you told me that you didn’t have a place to live in your 20’s, I shrugged it off thinking it was no big deal. And now when I look at what you’ve achieved- building a roof over your head, placing food on the table for your big family and raising such civil children, I can’t help but wonder how much of a dependable person you might have been. I wish I was half the person you were.

Telling you and dad that I didn’t want to join the army was probably the hardest thing for me. I could see the disappointment in your face even though you never showed it. You did try to convince me with its perks, not to mention the glory you get in serving your country. But still, when I wasn’t able to get a good college after my school and decided to drop, it filled me with unbelievable hope when you gave me an article from the newspaper, titled “How to prepare for drop year”. You had this habit of cutting such articles for me. I mostly glanced at and disregarded those. At the start of my year, I wanted to get into a good college to make you proud. I wanted you to know that even if I won’t join the army, I will still have a good future. I wanted you to stop worrying about me.

I often wonder why I didn’t cry at your funeral. When I saw you in your hospital bed unable to move, I held back my tears thinking it was impossible for such an iron-willed person to be in this state. But when your time came, no tears did. It was because I couldn’t believe that you wouldn’t be able to give me those stupid articles anymore. It was because I still think I will watch the next world cup final with you.

I just wish you could’ve seen me off to college. I’m grown up now. Suffice to say, I’m doing alright. I didn’t get into a good college, but that’s okay. At least I know where I’m headed. Also, I always strive to be as disciplined as you, even though I mostly fail. You were the biggest influence of my life and you will always be the person I look up to. The next time I write to you will be when I have kids of my own and will have provided for them just like you did.

Your loving grandson.

How to Joke

Finally, the blog everyone was waiting for.

Just kidding. See how good I am?

Chances are, if you are a guy reading this, you probably read somewhere on the internet that funny guys are chick magnets. Apparently on a website that rhymes with FruitLoop. Whatever. No one is judging. And if you’re a girl reading this, I probably begged you to.

Now before we begin, a general disclaimer. When you crack a joke, there is a likelihood that people won’t laugh. The reason maybe that you’re not as funny as you think you are, and would do everyone a huge favor if you just shut the fuck up and let someone else handle it. You’re better of being the guy that has zero contributions in his friend circle. OR you cracked a really intellectual joke that no one got. Possibility of the latter are really less so don’t go on thinking you’re a mad genius comedian or some shit. Also, sometimes the crowd just ain’t your type. Always remember that someone somewhere in the world would’ve laughed at your humor. That someone could be your old pedophile neighbor or the class weirdo.

Jumping right in, we start with the one-phrase-fits-all – “your mom”. You have heard it and probably even used it. This is as funny as it gets. No matter where the conversation is heading, just use this phrase to make you look cool. You’ll hear a roaring laughter, no matter what the crowd. Such is the power of this 100 percent original and funny-as-fuck phrase.

Moving on, another crowd favorite is making people laugh at the cost of some poor guy. Chances are, if you would pull the lever, you’ll love this one since both follow the same basic principle. Let’s say you’re with a group of friends. Scan each and every person. Oh so Bob got a new haircut? First, point at Bob and laugh like the guy who stole your girlfriend laughs at you every time he sees you. Then say something like, is that your face or did your neck puke or something? Fucking hilarious. Quality humor right there. By the way, do NOT try this if Bob goes to the gym. Trust me on this one. Choosing your victims is the key here. Make fun of someone whose self-esteem is low, and then take that self-esteem and rub it down to the ground. You could’ve also complimented Bob like a normal person, but fuck that right? Another example would be if Bob was tall. You’ve hit the jackpot in this case. Tall people jokes are the best. Ask him if the weather is nice up there. Pure gold.

Another classic is crude sexual remarks. Don’t draw a line anywhere. Making people laugh is hard, and sometimes you gotta stoop to new lows for this. See a rich guy coming out of his sweet lambo? Point at him and say that “What an idiot, he MUST be compensating for something really small”. If this line fails, make it obvious what you meant. The golden rule of jokes is that if someone didn’t laugh, explain the joke to them. They WILL laugh and think how dumb they were to not get it in the first place.

Now before you go all out, remember, never EVER make a joke on yourself. Lame people do that. If you make a joke on yourself, people might think that you’re actually serious. Like if you hear someone mention that its Garbage Day, you could say that “Wow I can’t believe they made a day dedicated to me”, but that will literally make people think you’re garbage and will steer clear off you.

So these were just a few tips for you unfunny fucks out there. Remember, if someone doesn’t laugh, they didn’t get it. Explain. If they still don’t laugh, try to make fun of THEM for not getting your joke. Until next time. Peace.

 

 

The Right Choice Paradox

Let’s take the trolley car problem.

Suppose you are in a trolley with no brakes, moving at full speed towards 5 people tied up to the tracks. The bunch will most certainly die unless something is done. There is also a lever which will divert the trolley towards a different track, where only a single person is tied up. You have 10 seconds to decide whether to pull the lever or not.

After cursing that son-of-a-bitch who ties up people to trolley tracks just to put people in this moral dilemma, you turn the lever, to the single man’s crushing death. Most of you anyway.

Upon being asked why did you pull the lever, the common answer is because saving 5 lives would be better than saving a single life.

Now suppose, as before, a trolley is hurtling down a track towards five people. You are on a bridge under which it will pass, and you can stop it by putting something very heavy in front of it. As it happens, there is a very fat man (even more that YOUR fat ass) next to you and your only way to stop the trolley is to push him over the bridge and onto the track, killing him to save five. Should you proceed?

In this case, most would disagree. What happened to the principle that saving 5 lives is better, even at the cost of one?

“But uncle pj we can’t just push someone to their death, it makes us killers and- “. Blah-blah-blah. Whatever.

Those of you who would push the fat man to his untimely (and unexpected) demise follow consequentialist moral reasoning. Which basically means doing whatever is necessary for the greater good. In this case, the greater good is saving more number of lives.

The other type of reasoning is categorical moral reasoning, which takes into account that each person has individual rights.

Those of you who are looking for the correct answer, there isn’t any. At least in this case. Saving 5 lives is a noble act, but maybe not at the cost of an innocent person’s life.

Personally, in this case, I follow Immanuel Kant’s categorical moral reasoning as opposed to Jeremy Bentham’s consequentialist moral reasoning.

Some of you are smart asses and will say that this cannot happen in real life. Stop being such spoilsports all the time. By the way, a very similar incident happened in the 18th century which later came to be known as The Queen v/s Dudley and Stephens case. Summing it up, 4 sailors were stranded in the Atlantic. One drank sea-water and became ill. On the 20th day, the captain, Dudley, decided that the sick boy, Parker, had to be killed. The other three survived, essentially by having Parker for breakfast. Upon rescuing, the three were arrested for murder and cannibalism, on grounds that necessity is not a defense to a charge of murder. Being hungry for 15 days straight counted as defense in this case. Two of the three admitted to killing and eating Parker. The third, a gigantic asshole, became a state witness, who first ate one of his crew-mates and later fucked the other two.

Again, since this is my blog and my opinion is much more important that YOUR trivial and insignificant opinion, I think that it was morally wrong for the three to kill and eat the cabin boy, even if he was sick and his chance of survival were slim. Peace.

 

The (Im)Partial Impressions

Today, Shiv Khera was in town. (Idk he’s a somewhat famous dude. Motivational speaker or some crap). He was invited to give a 2-hour speech on how to change. I didn’t have high hopes for the program to begin with, but it was actually better than I expected. My grandfather had given me Mr. Khera’s book, ‘You Can Win’, which was a good read for people who wanted to change themselves and that sort of shit. When he entered the room, my first impression of him was like, “Dang he’s old”.

Time to take a short detour. Yesterday at the gym, when I was thinking of some clever excuse to skip working out legs (even God knows squats are tough), a guy came in. 6 feet, average body build. “He’s so tall, what a douche” (he was only 3 inches taller than me) was my first impression of him. My gym also had a new trainer, and unsurprisingly, I thought, “What a loser. He’s so buffed, probably doesn’t have a life.” Later when I talked to him, he seemed like a pretty nice guy. My point is out of all the people I have met in my life, 87% (random number which popped into my head) of them had really bad images in my mind, even though I never talked to them. Funnily enough, the people I had the worst sneaking suspicions of actually became very good friends of mine. Most of the time we make negative images of people of in our minds, even though we know shit about them. Anyway this just popped into mind when I criticized Mr. Khera. Maybe these thoughts came in because he has a lot more money than me.

Coming back to the motivation workshop, there was one thing that puzzled me. On one hand, Shiv reminded us that the greatest wrestler of all time, Muhammad Ali, every time he came into the ring, said to said to himself, “I’m the greatest, I’m the champion, I’m the greatest, I’m the champion”, just to remind himself that he is the best. This seemed quite awesome on hearing. On the other hand I read in yet another motivational speaker’s book (I just like reading, I am not that fucked up) that a happy person doesn’t need to look into the mirror and remind himself that he is happy. This seemed pretty on point too.

After this existential crisis I came to realize that these “motivational speakers” are only really good speakers. They know how to sell their words. They can probably shake your religious beliefs around which your whole life was built from the ground up and get away with it, with you still sucking on their (not just) words, which are the new sermons as far as you are concerned. These melodious speakers become your new gods. And god forbid you spend one day without someone telling you some verses on “How to earn fuck loads of money while being a lazy shit”, while they race along in a Mercedes to their next venue.

People get convinced easily. And that’s why we have more “speakers” that educated people. A few of these are actually good, but still, take what they say with a grain of salt. Never make someone your God. Peace.

The Categorization Catch, Part II

A few posts back I put up a very thorough, research backed paper which categorized people based on their observed behavior. During this time, I came across a few more human-types and was astounded. These types mostly dominated as feminine types (sparing one… at least on the outside. Read on and you’ll see), mainly because my interactions with the female species up till now was, suffice to say, negligible. But for the sake of humanity, I came out from under my rock and inspected a few effeminate homo-sapiens.

The Tomboy

Your favorite movie is Million Dollar Baby. Your friend circle consists of mostly guys, and a couple of girls. You play sports, pick up fights, wear hoodies, and wonder why the other girls are so girly. Ugh. Your main pastime is making fun of your 2 girl-friends for having too many Hello Kitty accessories and Barbie dolls. The last time you wore any makeup was when your mom forced you to and said that you won’t get married. Not that you care much about getting married. At least once in your life has a person questioned you of your sexuality, before you made him sorry. Your guy friends treat you as one of them, sometimes calling you their bro. One time you beat your friend’s ass so hard in a sport that he stopped playing.

Rarity – 5%

The Miss-Fashionista

Your favorite movie is Clueless. You are found most of the time at the mall, usually with your group of three loyalist friends, or a boyfriend, which may also be mistaken for your porter. You follow the latest trends, and your favorite phrases are ‘Whatever’ and ‘Oh Please’. No one has ever seen you wearing the same top twice, and you can bet your 200 pair of designer heels that they never will.

Rarity – 10%

The Selfie-Queen

Your favorite movie is Selfie (I didn’t know this movie existed either). You have spent half of your life finding places with the best lighting to take selfies which makes your left cheek look redder. The other half was spent applying the best Instagram filter to your picture. At any given moment there are at least a 100 close ups of your face in your phone, capturing more expressions than Jim Carrey gave in his whole Hollywood career. No wonder every pic of yours on Facebook looks taken by a professional photographer.

Rarity – 8%

The Miss-Erratic

Your favorite movie is The Fault in Our Stars. No wait it’s Beauty and the Beast. No it’s Romeo and Juliet. Arrrrgh. You can’t decide. The last independent decision you made was… Oh look that looks like a nice dress! You are the reason your friend circle can’t ever make planned trips, because everyone knows in the end you’re the one who will refuse. You’re the one to make plans of having a reunion with your school buddies. You’re also the first one to back out of this school reunion.

Rarity – 7%

The Damsel-in-Distress

Your favorite movie is The Princess Bride. Every guy in your class has at least once helped you through your tough time. These guys think you’re beautiful, and you know it. Most girls in your class are jealous of you. Once your bag was too “heavy” and 3 dudes- one a bodybuilder, one the basketball team captain and third a teacher- lined up to pick it up for you as if carrying it will make them King Arthur.

Rarity – 4%

The Pretty-Sure-You’re-Gay

Your favorite movie is Brokeback Mountain, but when someone asks, it’s The Dark Knight. You have a lot of friends which are girls, but you won’t even give a second look to them. One of them is so hot that every guy friend of yours begs you to hook them up with her. Another one of your female friends has a crush on you, but you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed. You spend a lot of time with your guy friend and hate it when he talks with other guys. Half your time you keep speculating why Jenna broke up with Michael and other useless gossip which would bore a normal guy (even a girl) to death. The girls love your fashion sense, you go out with them to the parlor a lot, and often compete with them in who will get dressed late.

Rarity – 6%

The Shy-Dimples

Your favorite movie is Forrest Gump. Your dimples are your most prominent features, and often get complimented on them. People love having you around, even though you don’t talk much. To them at least. Your best friend is the only one who knows your truth. And oh boy do you have some dark secrets. You spend a lot of your time reading books. You also have a guy best-friend, who has some feelings for you, but you probably don’t know.

Rarity – 1%

So these were my observations, and I know the percentage don’t add up to a 100. That’s because you need to add the previous categories too. (They won’t add up to 100 either because I’m too lazy to edit all of them to make them a hundred). Peace.

 

drawer

The Introspecting Introvert

100 bucks says that if you’re reading this, you’ve at least considered the possibility that you are a straight-up, crowd hating introvert.

According to Dictionary.com, an introvert is a person characterized by concern primarily with his or her own thoughts and feelings.

Well damn. That makes you sound like a selfish prick whose sole purpose in life is to bitch about his feelings. But we know that isn’t right, right?

An introvert is a person who likes to function alone, or feels at home only when the people around him are few in numbers. Plus, it helps when these people have gone through a rigorous interview process, and are worthy of being called as your friends.

Many people think being an introvert is a problem. Well, that’s not totally true. Introvertism is a perfectly fine doctrine for people to follow. It’s not wrong if a person likes to stay alone, listening to songs, reading books, and watching depressing movies all day. It’s wrong when people try to force socializing down his throat, and expect him to suddenly pull the new, improved, charismatic version of himself out of his ass.

So how do you tell if you’re an introvert?

Basically if you post memes that pose extroverts as always bullshitting, noisy people who are always found in large crowds.

 

As if every word you spit out is gold. Posting this shit makes you a very lonely, attention seeking person. NOT an introvert.

 

Some other minor symptoms include –

1. Wetting your pants upon getting a call from an unknown number. What if he asks you some personal question and you trip? What if he asks you your NAME? YOUR AGE? WHAT IS YOUR AGE???? WHO ARE YOU?? WHO IS CALLING??????
2. Getting nervous upon THINKING about getting a call from an unknown number.
3. Getting nervous upon THINKING about getting nervous or doing some weird shit if front of PEOPLE. People are scary.
4. Thinking too much. Not happy thoughts, though.

Many introverts feel pride in declaring over the internet that they are introverts. That is bullshit of the highest order. “Hey, look at me I do not like people and like to stay alone all day please shower me with attention because this is the new fad!”. These people are not introverts, they are just attention seeking dudes.

People sometimes call me an introvert, and I don’t necessarily like it. Someone actually listens to you bitch about your nonsense all day, and what do you do? You call them an introvert. These days’ people expect you to NOT listen to them. There’s a fine line between listening or talking all the time. Too little, people call you an introvert. Too much and the person next to you will get bored to death hearing about your relationship problems for the forty-third time. No Joe, I do not fucking know why your girlfriend won’t return your calls after you sent that questionable text to her best friend.

Personally, my inner demon of introvert kicks in when someone invites me to a big social gathering where I don’t know anyone. When this happens, my mind automatically thinks about how much fun it would be to watch that new Tarantino movie, all alone. And then I seriously consider watching it, and refuse to go to that very-cool-whatever. Just because of this I get labelled as anti-social. On the contrary, I actually don’t mind meeting new people, but meeting new people should be when I feel like meeting new people. Primarily, my concern are only my own thoughts and feelings. Everyone else can wait. The movie cannot.

BUT, and I don’t know about introverts, I absolutely love spending time with my family, cousins, and friends.

So, basically,  if you’re an introvert, just don’t announce it on social media every time you feel like you need attention. Being an introvert is not cool, it’s pretty normal. Cool is when you have that fine balance between Don’t-Get-Any-Close and Please-God-Send-Me-Someone-To-Talk-To. Peace.