Transformation Metamorphosis

I suppose I had no intention of adhering to a regular schedule or extending the length of my blogs. Trust me, I tried. Life just got in the way. Or maybe I just wanted to sound cool. And the real reason was that I was lazy. 

I entrust the discerning reader with the responsibility of formulating an informed judgment concerning my conspicuous absence.

One thing is clear, though: I miss writing. I find myself stumbling upon hilarious metaphors and highly captivating blog ideas while doing my dailies. If only I had the brains to note them down so that when I actually sit down to write, I would not squander time jotting down superfluous content merely to extend the length of my posts.

I want to talk about change today – not the kind you stumble for in your wallet, but the kind that makes everyone scared. 

Why is change so scary? Maybe because life is going pretty well and the thought of it changing is inconceivable. It sure is a daunting prospect for many people. It can bring about a sense of uncertainty, a fear of the unknown, and a loss of control over one’s life, yada-yada. 

And now, it’s time for the phrase that, ironically, hasn’t changed –

Change is inevitable. 

It’s now been more than two years since I graduated college. I have a great job, I’m drowning in chicks, and have a killer bod. Also, one of the things I just mentioned is a lie. The point I’m trying to convey is that I’m doing okay.

But Alas. I can already foresee an array of changes headed my way.

Firstly, I’ll probably be changing cities after I switch my job. I love my job, but I’ve grown too comfortable, losing my competitive edge. I used to be hungry for knowledge. Now, the lifestyle of downing shots every Friday with a group of diverse colleagues that could rival a Netflix cast has me hooked. (sidebar: writing idea – Types of People at the Office. I wish I had something to write this down. Where’s my pen when I need it?) Navigating the office jungle in your 20s feels like college on steroids, where your wallet has more muscle, your party companions are more like friendly strangers, and instead of dreading presentations, you’re getting paid for them. Apart from that, it’s a near carbon copy – the same rigid weekday routine, a handful of unbearable folks badgering you to be more productive, and all the delightful extras like relationships, secret affairs, and the whole shebang.

Did I get sidetracked? God, I have so much to tell all of you. What were we talking about again? Things that we give to street performers and put in parking meters?

Yep, that’s a prime example of callback comedy. And no, I’m not taking writing classes. Why do you ask?

Coming back, a dreaded feeling is setting in that things are about to change in my life again. And that got me thinking: it’s such a common ailment; surely we must have figured out a cure by now. But no, all you get are motivational YouTube videos and the same old lame-ass folk wisdom. 

“Hey, man it’s totally fine that you have to move to a new city leaving all your friends and family here. Change is good. You will finally peak in life”

Dude, stop. Change is horrible. It’s equivalent to being stranded in the ocean. At night. During a thunderstorm. 

One of the things that makes change scary is nostalgia. Yeah, that crazy bastard. Nostalgia is the polarized sunglasses to your past that block all the hideous memories. And why is that? Because our brain is biased to remember more happy stuff than the sad, old, mundane routine.

Speaking of routine, it’s another culprit that makes you want the have things stay the way they are. Routine is comfort. Waking up and watching reels, half of which make you angry, the other half make you sad. 

How do reels achieve that? Because there are broadly two kinds of them –

1. Made by someone not from your generation. Supposedly you’re a millennial. A reel pops up in your feed in which a curly-haired brat in oversized clothing and the same old Nike sneakers which everyone seems to be wearing is doing some weird shit. You cringe at the reel and wonder if you had as much of a punchable face. Or if you’re a Gen-Z, you probably cringe at the millennial making jokes about their depression or for the thousandth time complaining about rising real estate prices. Dude, just go work already. We know housing is expensive. Everyone is selling their kidneys to own a place. Get with the times. Also, don’t even get me started with the boomers. Which one of you geniuses taught them how to record on a phone? 
2. The second kind of reel is made by someone from your generation. That only makes you sad. Why? because the dude is getting paid mad money for making mediocre content for being hyped at some mediocre shit. And the first thing you get to see in the morning is their shocked expression thumbnail. (I GAVE 100 BUCKS TO A RANDOM STRANGER AND TOLD THEM NOT TO TELL THEIR MOM!) (I ASKED THIS RANDOM CHICK IF SHE KNEW HOW BABIES ARE MADE). Ugh.

The reeling culture is faker than a 1 dollar bill with a picture of a unicorn on it. Each and every reel is trying to copy each other. They follow the same basic pattern – 

1. Make a bold statement or a controversial claim.
2. Say, “Okay, hear me out”
3. Spew some unresearched buillshit. 
4. Put on some unrelated background music.
5. ???
6. Profit.

Example – 

1. “You Need to STOP eating consuming these 10 things”
2. “Okay, hear me out”
3. Cue Eminem’s Superman
4. “Sugar – Research suggests that up to a hundred (YES, A HUNDRED) percent of people who have eaten sugar at least once in the recent past have DIED or will DIE soon.”
5. …

… You get the point

And bam! You get trapped like fish in a barrel. Storming off to the comment section to refute their claims if they don’t align with your beliefs, or if they are speaking your language, praising them like they are your lord and saviour. 

Don’t believe me? Go watch 10 reels and tell me they don’t all fit this pattern. (sidebar: If any instagram developer is reading this, please for the love of god tell me how the algorithm works and how to manipulate it. I watched one dude speaking about bodybuilding, and now it’s getting a little tiring trying to explain people why my whole feed is filled with dudes in extra tight underwears flexing their ass. Please. I dont wanna see guys touching each other’s pecs telling them how hard they feel. I just wanna watch curly haired brats doing dumb shit.)  

I sound like a sour old person hating on the latest (well, not exactly latest) trends. “Back in my day we used to count tiles on the bathroom floor while dropping a deuce, not reeling around watching a 30 second video telling me how honey is the cure for all diseases”. 

Okay. I might be addicted to them as well. 

Where were we? Change? Do I have ADHD?

There’s a reason why we prefer re-watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S over watching trying out a new 10 season show – we know what’s gonna come. It’s bearable, mildly funny and we know who’s gonna sleep with whom. Complete opposite of change, where you don’t know whats coming. The new sitcom could be the Joey of sitcoms – hard to get through and wishing you could have your 10 hours back. Or it could be the HIMYM of sitcoms – better than F.R.I.E.N.D.S. (they all hated jesus because he spoke the truth) 

Point is, its good for you. Trying out new things. And i don’t mean sitcoms; they were just a metaphor. 

Stay tuned for Pt. 2. 

And, as always, my inbox is open. 

Preordained Partings

Uncle PJ is back.

Where to start? I’m brimming with so many anecdotes that if anyone stroked me a couple of times, I would explode.

Let’s start with a simple one – relationships.
And relationships don’t always have to be of the romantic persuasion. One could be as pure as two people exchanging usual pleasantries in their daily commute – which they might have been doing for years. Or a relationship could be a codependent mess of two lovers who know they are bound to break – but neither can because they’re too scared of losing the familiarity they’ve come to expect.

The most intriguing relationships, however, are of the controversial kind- a guy and a girl. I’m a firm believer in the notion that a guy and a girl can’t be friends, for long.
Before you get all whimsical and start saying shit like, “But PJ, I’m friends with Chad, and I don’t get the urge to suck his dick” or “Rachel and me go way back, and I’ve only thought about motorboating her ONCE”- hear me out.
What Usually Happens with a Guy and Girl
You transition from acquaintances to friends. So far, so good. You see each other often and gradually become even closer. The two of you are probably more touchy-feely with each other than with the rest of your gang. People often mistake you for a couple, which you don’t seem to mind, but shake it off as a joke. And you know more tales, gossip, and deep dark secrets about each other than anyone else.
Now you hombres are at an intersection –
Scenario I: You both fall in love.
Not a highly probable scenario, but an important one nonetheless. The reason you both got so close in the first place must mean that there’s something special between the two of you, right? Or it could just mean that it’s a natural tendency of humans to feel affection towards another they’ve been close with. Hell, there are enough cases of a hostage getting feelings for their captor given adequate time (Stockholm Syndrome, anyone?). Bottom line- you’re in love, and now you’ll either marry and make others jealous because they haven’t found their soulmate yet, or you’ll be in a relationship for a while, realize that there’s no way you can keep up with her snores, or the way that he chews his food, and have a miserable breakup which will suck your friends in a whirlpool of despair.

Either way, you ain’t friends no more.
Scenario II: One of you falls in love.
Life doesn’t get more theatrical than this. It was bound to happen. This usually happens when one of the two is in a relationship, and the other one can’t help but develop feelings. Now the infatuated one, let us say, Alex, (androgynous, could go either way) typically takes the course of action that we all can guess – when they are alone in a suspiciously romantic situation with their “best friend”, Alex pours their heart out. Alex got nothing to lose so they think, “What the hell?” and goes for it. The other person’s relationship is put in jeopardy at this point, no matter whether they choose to crush Alex’s heart or forgo all logic and have some hot guilty sex. Then for the next few months, there’s so much drama that even broadway could take notes.

87% of the time things don’t work out for the Alex(s) of this world.
Scenario III: Neither of you falls in love.
What I mean by this is you either become fuck buddies for a short stint before you get tired of each other and move on, or remain friends, transitioning to acquaintances as time ticks away and then to distant memories.
Ergo, my logic is infallible.

Now now, calm down. Lower your pitchforks. I’m open to dialogue – head over to the Contact Me section and drop me a message. I will read all your opinions with an open mind.

While I’m out for blood, I feel like shitting on a particular demographic as well- The Influencers. Also people with Rider in their @.
God, I hate them. If you’re one and reading this right now, please, with all due respect, fuck right off.
You don’t give a shit about “influencing” people – all you care about are “views” and “getting out there” so you too can launch your own shitty clothing brand or sponsor any flimsy ass product company willing to pay you bucks for your next overpriced sneaker which you won’t ever wear. Sneakers were made to be worn and to protect your feet and not to be put on a display.
The amount of condescension required to even call yourself an “influencer” is beyond me. I hope you can influence my ass to not shit on your face every time I see you.

Lastly, to my readers, apologies for disappearing. There were some things that I had to… take care of. I plan on increasing the size of these blogs and maybe sticking to a schedule. Open to suggestions. Head over to Contact me.
Peace.

Nothing Really Matters

Now before you say to yourself, “Oh great, so it’ll be that kind of post”, hear me out.
I see too many people fretting over the most insignificant things, things that don’t even matter in the shortest run, let alone the long run. This constant worrying adds up exponentially, and suddenly we have over 800 million individuals suffering from mental health disorders. A study from WHO points out that suicide is the second leading cause of death in 15-29-year-olds (the leading cause being accidents for the curious).
Now that is a shocking statistic. We live in the 21st century; 75 years have passed since the last world war, so why are things taking a turn for the worst? It’s hard to point out a concrete reason. We can only speculate.
If I were to guess, I’d say that it’s because we worry too much about insignificant things. We live in a world where mediocrity is looked down upon. Money runs our world. I’ve seen too many people treating others as if they are beneath them just because they can’t live as flamboyantly as them. I’ve seen too many people making life miserable for janitors and the like just because they messed up the slightest thing. I’ve seen too many people arguing with each other on online forums, people who will never even meet. I’ve seen too many people hating each other just because they were born someplace else. I’ve seen too many people missing out on life just because they care too much about other people’s opinions. I’ve seen too many people feeling inadequate after comparing themselves with others. Life is not about comparing the greenness of grass on every side around you- life is about mowing your own lawn and making the grass as green as you’d like. Life is about finding joy in the little things. Some of the best things in the world are royalty-free – the sound of rain tapping away on a window while you are laying in bed with a book in one hand and a hot cup of coffee in another, or sleeping in on a Sunday with your phone turned off after an exceptionally difficult week, or the feeling you get when your dog jumps at you and wags its tail uncontrollably after it sees you at the end of the day, or the sound of waves crashing into the sea while you are taking a walk barefoot in the sand, at an empty beach.
I guess some things really do matter.
However, sometimes there will be days when you’ll think it can’t get any worse. Those days may even turn into weeks, months, or even years, but when it’s all said and done, you’ll look back and realize that those excruciating situations made you what you are today.
Before you let your emotions take over in any situation, ask yourself, does it really matter? I guarantee you ninety-nine percent of the time it does not. Life is too short to fixate on trivial things. Think about it this way- when you have a problem, either it can be solved or it can’t. If it can’t, worrying will achieve nothing. Otherwise, if it can, then why would you even worry? If overthinking fixed even the tiniest of problems, people would sit on a pedestal all day with their chin resting on one fist. Find out that one thing which makes you feel good and obsess on that instead. Nobody’s opinion count after that.
So I guess it was that kind of post after all. Oh well.

In the words of Doris Day,
Que Sera, Sera
Whatever will be, will be.

How to Earn Millions of Bucks Online Fast!!! [WORKING 100%] [FOOLPROOF]

How many times have you wondered if you could be a millionaire? (For those of you who are already millionaires, I have a FOOLPROOF method on becoming a billionaire, although it requires a significant contribution of $$$ on your part. Please reach out to me as soon as possible if you want to proceed). I suppose at some point in your life, every one of us has. Driving luxurious cars, throwing away clothes after wearing them once, buying a large tub of popcorn at a cinema, living like rockstars (maybe except snorting coke like them, totally your choice though). Today we’ll be talking about how you can fulfill your dreams while doing nothing at all!

The first method is Writing Blog Posts About How to Make Money Online Fast. It is such a sure-shot way of cashing some big bucks that I’m surprised that nobody else has done it yet-  

It looks like it has been done quite a bit. No wonder there are so many millionaires around. Okay so you might have some competition but it won’t matter in the end, because there are too many people looking for quick and dirty hacks to make money. People are lazy.

It’s the inherent nature of man to be lazy, though. Humanity is always finding ways to do as little work as possible. A long time ago, when we were categorized as hunter-gatherers, we used to walk from one place to another, either to kill something (or someone) or to grow something, which took a lot of time and energy. A few weeks pass, and some genius invents the whip. Voila- now we were breeding horses or buffalos to carry us and our baggage. But we figured that providing them with food and water was quite a bit of work, not to mention the literal loads of bullshit we had to deal with, so we found a way to make vehicles run by themselves, using some sort of fuel. We only had to turn a circle in the direction we wanted to go. But even THAT was not enough. People are spending 4 years in college, doing at least 4 years of research after that, not to mention giving up all worldly pleasures just so they can work on the upcoming self-driving cars. SELF-driving cars. Now, we just want to haul our asses inside a million-dollar vehicle and order it where to go. Looking at this trend, I won’t be surprised if in a couple of years a college dropout invents some gizmo that reads your mind and takes you wherever you are THINKING of going. Maybe even thinking will be considered too much work at some point in time. My point is – umm… what were we talk- Oh right. How to make money online, fast. 

In the online world, there is one secret ingredient that has made more money for people than you can imagine. Clickbait. Our friend google defines clickbait as – 

“ content whose main purpose is to attract attention and encourage visitors to click on a link to a particular web page.”

Well, that’s one way of putting it. I would put it as –

“Content which is so fucking stupid that to make people click on it, writing its title in such a way to MAKE people click on it, usually by making it overly exaggerated, CAPITALIZED and filled with buzz words like FOOLPROOF, SHOCKING, STORYTIME, LIFE-CHANGING, UNBELIEVABLE,WORKING 100%, OMG!! etc. The more buzz words the merrier. Extra points for exclamation marks.”

I absolutely despise people who use these cheap tricks. These people are the lowest level of scum. Anyway, to drive my point home, let’s look at the most obvious clickbait title which made a lot of money- 

I almost died in an Uber… no clickbait (LIVE FOOTAGE): STORYTIME (> 3 million views) 

Oh really? No clickbait? Then surely you MUST have ALMOST died.

I ALMOST GOT ROOFIED & SHOT (NO clickbait): STORYTIME (2.5 million views)

Umm… Is this clickbait again like the last video? Wait, it says no clickbait, and with an emphasis on the no. Surely you MUST have ALMOST got ROOFIED and SHOT.

Finding Out I’m Pregnant *Again* At 18! Teen Mom Live Pregnancy Test (2 million views)

I don’t know whether to be surprised by the pregnant at 18 part, or the bold *Again* part.

Are We Having Another BABY? *Shocking* | Jancy Family ( 1 million views)

Really Jancy? You mean getting pregnant by having all that unprotected sex is *Shocking*, even more than the first time? 

… You get the point.

Clickbait is the fuel of the internet. You could be writing prose that would put Shakespeare to shame, but if you don’t have a clickbait title, you might as well throw it in the trash and have better chances of it being read. 

In simpler terms, unless you know how to fool people, you won’t stand a chance in this day and age.

This was lesson 1 in How to Earn Millions of Bucks Online Fast, and if I were to guess, you were no more rich than you were however much time you spent reading this thing. But wait for my next article, because that’s where the real secret to make money is– How to make BILLIONS Online Fast!!! [WORKING 110%] [FOOLPROOF].

The Secrets of Bros

Being a world-renowned researcher can be hard sometimes. You go out interviewing people, and nobody minds filling out your two page long questionnaire. Things go smoothly and your research gets completed before you know it.
I, however, wouldn’t know about that. That’s why sometimes it takes me quite a while to collect factual, up to date data for my next blog. And this time the topic was quite inexhaustible. I was basically trying to find out the most obvious things the opposite gender doesn’t know about us. The first post in this series will be the things that women don’t know about us.

1. Most guys are suckers for rom-coms.
Sorry boys, I guess I broke the bro code with this one. The moment a boy becomes a man, he goes through a hardwiring process that makes him whine and sigh and tsk-away to action movies whenever a romantic comedy pops up in the presence of him and another life form. The life form could be anything from another guy to a girl to the neighborhood cat. He will complain about the acting, the script, the director, the weather outside, (but almost never about the actress) to show how much he loathes watching a movie which does not have an action scene where men compete to prove whose guns are bigger. And I don’t mean guns as in weaponry. Read guns.
But, when he is truly alone, he’ll go on a rom-com marathon with a tub of ice-cream until he has to once again put up a facade of manliness in front of others. God forbid anyone were to know about this.
As a rule of thumb, we’ll refuse when you ask us about this. On the rare occasion the guy does admit his guilty pleasure, he must be in the presence of someone he really cares about.
2. We assume everything is a signal.
This is something which every guy has been found guilty of at least once in his life. Imagine this – you’re a girl, you are sitting in a class, merrily dreaming away with your eyes open, basically minding your own business. Suddenly your trail of thought is broken and you find yourself staring a guy. You make eye contact for one millisecond before continuing with your day.
You just made that guy think that you are head over heels into him. He’ll probably think about you the whole day, tell his mama that he finally found the girl of his dreams and throw a bachelor’s party for his buddies. Nothing to worry about though, he’ll forget about you the moment another girl accidentally shoulder-touches him.
3. But we miss the real signals.
I know, a little bewildering. But true. Your average guy wouldn’t know a flirting sign if it hit him in the face. No matter how much you laugh at his most un-witty one-liners, get a little more touchy than normal, even get on your knees, he just will not figure it out at that moment. Three days later, when he is tying his shoes will it dawn onto him that you just might have been giving him subtle hints.
4. The War of Handshakes is one of honor.
Guys go on a never ending ego trip when they meet other guys, especially if their girlfriends introduce the new guy to them. You’ll probably not notice this, but at the moment your boyfriend and your friend shake hands, war for the more alpha male takes place and both of them come to a conclusion without saying a word. The person who is more smug won and is more manly for the time being, and by manly I mean someone who has a more bone-crushing handshake.
This competition will go on forever, even if one is clearly the dominating alpha. You should however never confront a man on this because even though it may not appear so, our egos are frailer than you might think.
5. Morning wood, night wood, anytime wood.
I believe most of us are aware of the scientific phenomenon known as The Morning Wood. It’s the reason why many of us have a really bad aim each and every morning of our lives as men of the world. As far as guys are concerned, wood can hit them anytime, anywhere. Sometimes the raging salmon can hit us when we least expect it- walking down a road, in a classroom, a football stadium, a neighbor’s funeral – you name it. I know of a guy who had the one-eyed trouser snake go erect on him for two continuous hours, while he was suffering from food poisoning. It’s just not our fault.

So these were some of the things that had to be said. I have another page long report for the opposite gender which I’m going to publish soon, and boy was it a shocker for me.
Peace.

One For The Mistakes

There will always be times in your life when you do things which feel good at the moment but are actually so embarrassing that if someone else gets to know about these said things, they would die, either laughing or cringing.

The thing is, we grow from these incidents. The more mistakes you make, the more you learn. Even if you repeat the same mistake a thousand times, when you finally learn from it, you learn. That’s when you will never make it the thousand-and-oneth time.

People always say you gotta learn from other people’s mistakes. These are the people who know a lot of things that sound wise. In reality, it’s not so easy. People learn from experience, not sayings. Otherwise, the sermons that priests and motivational speakers give would actually work, which in turn would make them unemployed because no one would need to go to a sermon twice.

I would like to list some of the most recurring mistakes that need to be said –

1. Trusting any and every person life throws at you. I know it feels tempting to blurt out to that girl you’ve just met every detail about your life, and your homie’s life, but it’s just not worth it. She’ll probably find some of the things hilarious, but when suddenly everyone at your workplace finds these things hilarious, you’ll wish you were never born. See I know it’s nice when you have someone to share things with, but 99% of the time you’ll share them with the wrong person. Always be a little sceptical of new people. A little trick I use is that I try to keep quiet during the first couple of meetings with anyone. If the other person vomits every fucking detail about all the people he or she knows, its best to check your mouth twice before confiding in them.
2. Not trusting anyone: According to my intensive research, women can keep a secret for twenty-one hours and thirteen minutes, while men on the other hand for forty-four two and twenty-six minutes on an average. So unless you like confiding in a trashcan, or worse, to yourself in a mirror, try to find a couple of people who’ll guard your most embarrassing incidents as their own.
3. Taking too much advice: No matter which phase of life you’re in, you’ll be knee-deep in advice from people ranging from six-year-old kids who shit in their pants to eighty-year-old people who can’t tell Facebook from Twitter. These bits of advice will be so contradictory that you’ll end up being more confused than you were before, and the one which you think is shit might actually be worth listening. The people who give advice generally belong to two categories – one who know things from experience, and one who know it from word of mouth. There’s no way of knowing for sure when somebody enlightens you with their so-called “wisdom”. It might be the greatest piece of shit you’ll ever come across. As a rule of thumb, I steer clear of people claiming to shine their wisdom on people. Pfft.
4. Not taking any advice: Sayings exist for a reason. A proverb is basically a short sentence based on long experience. So while it is better to ignore most advice that comes your way, sometimes you might find a gold mine of experience which you should listen to for your own sake. The day when you learn how to filter shit advice from words of gold is the day you become wise.

These were some of the common mistakes that I tend to see a being repeated a little too often. I know these do not sound contradictory at all, but refer my above point – the day you learn which advice is bullshit is the day you become wise.

Peace.

When All Else Fails

On the path to success comes many adversities. You will fail. A lot.

Failure is caused primarily due to one of two reasons.

The first is when you don’t prepare at all.

The second is when you give it your all and still fail. It is of utmost importance to identify which reason caused your falling through. Easier said than done.

The former is a bit easier to identify and deal with. You half-heartedly do something and get half-assed results. You become sad for a day or two, blame someone or something, decide to change yourself and get shit done, get shit done for a day or two, get back to your old self, fail again, rinse and repeat. With each defeat, you make a commitment to improving yourself. You never improve.

The second one is a little trickier. You spill your blood, sweat and tears into something, only to fail so badly that you question your whole preparation. Where did it go wrong? Sadly, the answer to this can only be answered by you. When you actually work hard, you can look in the mirror and tell yourself truly that you did. If you didn’t, there will be one teeny-tiny voice, saying ever so slowly, that all you did was binge watch Vampire Diaries, with breaks in between for productive work. Should’ve been the other way round. But once a blue moon, the voice will say that you did everything you could. That’s when you know that you gave your best. And sometimes, the results don’t matter. It’s not always about the destination, it’s about the journey. 5 years later when you look back, you’ll realize that it worked out just fine.

Still, overcoming from the latter a little trickier. Demotivation will be the biggest obstacle to climb.

Any normal person would give up at this point. I mean, it’s not like you failed deliberately, right? You did everything you could. But then normal people are the ones who later get in fights on Black Friday.

Taking small steps when you are feeling hopeless is the only solution. Do something so small that it doesn’t feel like you did anything, and then keep on increasing the load. Believe me, it all adds up. One of the best examples of this is the 2 months’ challenge. There is this research in science that says that it takes 66 days for a routine to become a habit. 66 days of doing something every day before it runs through your veins.

There is a little caveat though. The initial days are the hardest. Suppose you decide to learn a new language, for that solo Europe trip you plan to go on. You get the necessary resources, learn the new alphabet and then move on to an entirely new project. It’s too hot in Europe anyway. The brain is one cheeky little dude – it will make excuses so lucrative that you will feel justified to quit halfway. Learn when to use your brain, and when to suppress it.

66 days. That’s all it takes.

 

 

 

Of People And Public Transport

Unless you are filthy rich and own a private jet, there has come a point in your life when you’ve had to go through the exceptionally horrid ordeal of public transport. And since I’m an aspiring researcher who has dedicated his life to meticulous generalizations, it’s time for another post dedicated to categorizations, this time regarding people we come across during public transport.

The Realtor
You work for a private corporation and resort to public transport for your work commute. And because you spend a significant amount of time on the bus, you often take stances on your seat to make yourself comfortable at the cost of half the seat of both the guys sitting beside you. Most of the time the poor people are too tired or too meek to tell you to sit the fuck properly in your own seat. Disregarding other people’s personal space is your favourite pastime.
Rarity – 30%

The Huntsman
Your last rejection hit a little too close to home. As a result, you’ve decided to turn to staring at people of the opposite sex till their knuckles turn white from holding the pepper spray. Earlier it was unintentional, but now since you don’t get any action, ogling at people is all you can do. Enjoy while you can because soon you’re gonna get punched in the face by a protective partner.
Rarity – 27%

The 6-Pack
Kids are cute, but only when they are sleeping. Definitely NOT when they are in groups of 6 and think the train is their playground. Almost all of them are identical, and usually coming back from school. You would think that spending a major part of their day in school would tire them, but since most doze off during classes, their energy is more than what you’d get after drinking 6 shots of vodka and Redbull.
Rarity – 19%

The Snorer
It’s 6:00 pm, you’re on your way back to your rented 1 room apartment from your 9 to 5 job and decide to rest your eyes for a couple of minutes. And each time you open them, you catch at least 4 people staring at you before you realize your destination has arrived. You wonder how your place of disembarkment came so quickly. There is a crack on the window of the bus towards the side you sit because your snores are more lethal than that of an opera singer.                                                                                                                Rarity – 21%

The Diligent Mother
You are coming back from your second job, and have your child of two sleeping in your arms. Occasionally, the kid wakes up and creates a singing harmony with The Snorer that few forget. You are quick to quiet the kid as this is not your first child. Regardless, you are pretty likeable and an idol for many.                                                                                Rarity – 6%

The Elder
You are the oldest person on the bus. And you are grumpy because the conductor didn’t give you your change back. You were probably in the army, and hate that the kids have it so easy these days. If it was for you you’d have them wearing helmets and off to wars the moment those shrimps turned 16. You tried to change the system back in your day but now think that it is too crooked to be fixed.
Rarity – 9%

The Loud-Mouth
People often wonder how do you come up with so many things to say. You talk so loudly that even the driver hears it and gives his opinion. You’re the reason most of the people wear earphones and blast music at full volume, but even that is futile most of the times. Rarity – 17%

There are a few others too, but they’re the nice ones we don’t mind sitting next to. If you’re one of the above, it’s time to realize that the train is not your father’s property.

Peace.

Letter Up Above

As we move on to another year, I have decided to bury the hatchet and forget about the past. What I really need for that is to have some closure with the person who was always there for me. Here is a letter to him with some of the things I wish I’d told him.

Dear Grandpa,

It feels like only yesterday when we were watching the Cricket World Cup final. Your hearty laughter after Dhoni’s winning six is my best memory of you.

I’m in college now. I don’t lament over regrets, but my biggest one is that you couldn’t see me going to college, finally getting out of the house and standing on my own feet a little. I know you wanted me to join the army, but it’s just not for me.

Times are different now than back in your day. Now us youngsters don’t need to get out of the house and work for minimum wage to earn our bread. Also, I doubt anyone needs the streetlight to study in this day and age. You guys just had it hard. I often wonder if I’d been able to provide for myself If I was born back then. When you told me that you didn’t have a place to live in your 20’s, I shrugged it off thinking it was no big deal. And now when I look at what you’ve achieved- building a roof over your head, placing food on the table for your big family and raising such civil children, I can’t help but wonder how much of a dependable person you might have been. I wish I was half the person you were.

Telling you and dad that I didn’t want to join the army was probably the hardest thing for me. I could see the disappointment in your face even though you never showed it. You did try to convince me with its perks, not to mention the glory you get in serving your country. But still, when I wasn’t able to get a good college after my school and decided to drop, it filled me with unbelievable hope when you gave me an article from the newspaper, titled “How to prepare for drop year”. You had this habit of cutting such articles for me. I mostly glanced at and disregarded those. At the start of my year, I wanted to get into a good college to make you proud. I wanted you to know that even if I won’t join the army, I will still have a good future. I wanted you to stop worrying about me.

I often wonder why I didn’t cry at your funeral. When I saw you in your hospital bed unable to move, I held back my tears thinking it was impossible for such an iron-willed person to be in this state. But when your time came, no tears did. It was because I couldn’t believe that you wouldn’t be able to give me those stupid articles anymore. It was because I still think I will watch the next world cup final with you.

I just wish you could’ve seen me off to college. I’m grown up now. Suffice to say, I’m doing alright. I didn’t get into a good college, but that’s okay. At least I know where I’m headed. Also, I always strive to be as disciplined as you, even though I mostly fail. You were the biggest influence of my life and you will always be the person I look up to. The next time I write to you will be when I have kids of my own and will have provided for them just like you did.

Your loving grandson.

The Peak of Your Life

You’re 18 or 19. Just finished school. Applied for a lot of top-notch colleges, but got into a mediocre one which you didn’t really want to get into.
This was the same thing that happened to me, and to most everyone except a few who studied their ass off.
When it was my first day at college, I was quite happy. Happy because finally, I got to get the fuck away from home. I had taken a drop year to study but didn’t really make the most of it. Gap years are hard all right. Props to people taking 2 gap years. I admire your balls of steel.
College years are probably the most influencing years of your life. They can either make you or break you. Newfound freedom, hormones, and peers hit you hard. Some tips-
1. Choose who you hang out with wisely. There are a lot of different minds roaming around in a university. Be sure to be picky of the group you choose to hang out with because chances are you’ll end up getting influenced by them.
2. GPA doesn’t matter / GPA matters. Whatever suits you. They matter to someone who wants to pursue higher education. They don’t matter to someone who has his shit together. Any other reason, GPA matters. End of story. If you don’t know where your life is headed, you should be getting a decent score, because you’re gonna end up doing something related to your degree anyway.
3. There will come a time when you’ll doubt the entirety of your college degree. That time will pass. Unless you were following your high school girlfriend to college. In which case you should rethink your entire life. She’s thinking of dumping you anyways.
4. Travel. You’re at the peak of your health. It’ll only get worse from here as a consequence of the quality time you spend lazing around all day, eating junk food which should’ve killed you already. So might as well make the most of it and travel to new places. Preferably trekking, because let’s be honest, you need it.
5. Call home. In the end, family is the only thing that sticks.
6. Always go with the decision that will make for a good story. College is all about making memories which you want to tell your kids but won’t because you’re too busy warning them against any such activities.
7. Stand up to what you think is right, no matter how many people oppose you. A man without principles is nothing. Do make sure that your principles are actually worthwhile.

Bonus: Know your limit. It’s no fun waking up to your dad’s call, whom apparently you drunk dialed last night.